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How to Poison the Well

Posted by Adam Graham on July 2, 2007

The following is a commentary from the Truth and Hope Report (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Weekend update by Democratic Political Dave Screwtape in which Dave advises Democratic Congressional Candidates.

Recent polling shows Congressional approval ratings in the 20s and the Presidential approval rating in the low 30s, indicating that America has entered a new era.

 

Your average voter is thoroughly disgusted with the two parties, but nineteen out of twenty would never think of joining a third party. Most are far too lazy to even vote in the primary. So, thus Americans view their choices as between the disgusting and the intolerable.

 

As much as getting people to like you is a laudable goal that gives most politicos warm fuzzies, let’s be realistic. Your job is to increase people’s loathing of your opponent while not making too many errors of your own. Here are the key rules:

 

1) Destroy Your Opponents

 

Politics in past eras could be compared to a boxing match. In this century, politics is an ultimate fighting cage match where only one candidate will walk out politically alive. Attack any inference of a hint that suggests a possible, potential ethical lapse no matter how unlikely.

If they receive funds from an out of state group portray that group up as an illuminati-esque antichrist that is trying to buy the election. Never address questions regarding your own out of state funds.

Quietly spread the most damaging rumors to eager media allies who will report your every statement on deep background. Your goal is not to win the election, it is to destroy your opponent. Having done that, you’ll win the election and frighten away future challengers.

2) Be Vague

 

Avoid campaigning on specific issues as people may not like what you have to say. Rather, use vague generalities.

Here are some stock phrases sure to go over well:

“I’ll stand up for working families”

“I’ll fight for better wages and better jobs.”

“I’ll bring change to Washington.”

 

“It’s time for us to reform Washington.”

These could mean anything, and in themselves they mean nothing, which is the point.

When your opponent raises substantive issues, attack him. Misrepresent his position in any way you can get away with. The closer to the election you do this, the better, as it’ll give him less time to recover.

For example, if a candidate supports the Fair Tax, run an ad forty-eight hours before the election inferring he favors adding a 23% sales tax to the income tax. Thus, you give him no time to explain that the Fair Tax eliminates payroll and income taxes. Avoid putting issues into perspective and you’ll do well.

3) Run as a Uniter

Given the people’s general disgust with politicians, you can gain points by promising to bring people together, while at the same time getting in a swipe in at your opponent’s base. You can do this to great effect, with no sense of irony.

Try saying, “I will work to bring us together, so we can end the era of vitriolic name-calling. Unlike my opponent and his band of haters, I believe in being positive about our future.”

And then later, you can have a good laugh about it backstage.

4) Pay the Piper

If you have illegitimate children, bitter ex-spouses, or old college buddies who could destroy you n a heartbeat, meet with whoever you need to keep quiet and insure they do

If people don’t have the money to pay people to keep quiet, they won’t run. If they’d rather not have rumors reported as fact, they won’t run. Thus, the field will be limited and our democracy will work, as we’ll hold onto our majority regardless of our unpopularity.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

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Screwtape: The Liberal Authorized Version of the Bible

Posted by Adam Graham on March 4, 2006

From: Dave Screwtape
To: American Liberals

Friends,

You know me as a political consultant, writer and guru, but with the help of our beneficient friend, George Soros, I’ve produced my first ever theological work. Its a modest effort, but a good starting place in a new field: a brand new English version of the Bible.

Now, I know as much about translating Greek and Hebrew as Mike Brown does about running FEMA, so I’ve taken the text of the King James Version of the Bible to form my version because of the beauty and elegance of the language, and because it is the most easily accessible version for which I do not have to pay obscene royalties for.

What makes the Liberal Authorized Version different from any other version of the Bible out there? Most try a word for word or approximate translation of the whole Text. We take the philosophy that less is more.

Accordingly, all the geneologies are gone, along with the Pauline Epistles and the Epistles of James, John, and Jude. My reason for this is clear. None of these men obtained doctorates in their field or taught on the subject. Were he around today, Paul might be able to get into teaching one of those Mail Order Bible Colleges, but would Harvard accept him? No, and that’s certain now that Lawerence Summers is gone.

We also eliminated Hebrews (for fear of Zionist influences), and 1 and 2 Peter. I had great concern about these books. As Peter was listed as the 1st pope, I was afraid the Vatican had undo influence on their writing. I also got rid of the book of Revelations. There’s no need for apocalypse or the reign of God on Earth. The Democratic Party will fix things just fine.

I got rid of the book of Acts, because it reads like a Religious Right Wing Propoganda piece. I refuse to believe there were any stonings or arrests. We know that all that persecution stuff is just made up by intolerant bigots.

I also got rid of the Old Testament as it was far too bloody and also contains things like the creation story and the Ten Commandments.

While, the Jesus seminar got rid of 75% of the sayings of Christ and most of his miracles, I’ve gone further than that and eliminated all the miracles of Christ, and 98% of his sayings, leaving a selection of 4 verses that:

1) You can use against Conservatives.

2) You can easily memorize.

3) They’re already tailor made for the appropriate argument.

Most Bibles claim to make it easy to put their words into context, well I make no such claim. Every Liberal Authorized Version of the Bible is 100% context free guaranteed. Below are the scriptures in this beautiful 1,500 page leather bound volume:

Judge not, that ye be not judged. -Matt. 7:1

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.-John 8:7b

Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s;-Matthew 22:21b

Blessed are the peacemakers-Matthew 5:9a

Yes, in 3 cases, we used only half a verse, but half a verse is all you need to score against Conservatives. Never, will you read anywhere in the Liberal Version, any call to “Repent and Sin No More,” or about Government being a terror to evildoers, or judging righteous judgments. You have a 100% clear slam dunk Bible.

Now, at this point you may wonder why you should spend $15 on my Leather Bound Bible and what the other 1496 pages in the Bible are for.

Well, as any idiot could print up the Liberal Bible based on these scriptures, it becomes necessary to have something special. Now, many Bibles have study aids and maps, but mine has an even better feature. 1496 blank pages.

The idea of printing up a 1 page Bible or a 4 page Bible (with extremely large print) seemed silly, so we printed the full enchilada, leaving most of the pages completely blank.

You can do what you want in the blank pages. You can scrapbook, press flowers, or journal. You can add in things, you think God should have put in the Bible.

We also do have a customization feature, where we’ll print up your Bible to include important liberal documents, such as content from MoveOn.org. We also have a Chairman Dean Special, where we include the book of Job with other New Testament books.

For those of you out there, who truly have no desire to understand Christianity and no respect for it, but want to sound intelligent, this is the Bible for you. If you want to look like a good Christian when visiting churches, whether you are or not, this is the Bible for you. If you hate religion, but would like a Bible to be sworn in on, this is the Bible for you.

Its the Bible every liberal has always wanted. Place your order today.

Linked to Conservative Cat and Point Five

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