From: Dave Screwtape
To: Democratic Senators, Congressmen, Governors, and Report Subscribers
Subject: Election Analysis
Having recovered from three days of alcohol-induced incoherence, I can now analyze this election and our future prospects with a clear head.
First of all, on the bright side we…won the Governorship of Montana and what else? We got a lesbian elected in Idaho. So, those Red States will turn blue in about a generation.
Alright, I’m sorry. There is no bright side. Yes, Barack Obama and Ken Salazar are going to the US Senate, but while its great to have minorities in the Senate, it is awful to be the Senate minority.
How could the American people be so stupid? I mean sure they’ve made some questionable judgments that have caused us to doubt their intellect (or rather their capacity for following the commands of the intellectuals) such as making “Dumb and Dumber” a box office hit. However, this is far worse.
The people are not listening to us. We’ve spent three years tearing down George W. Bush. We’ve attacked his character in everything he does. We made an issue of the fact that he may not have shown up to work 30 years ago. We nitpicked every detail of his life and in the end, he wins? The only thing we could have done differently is ran a five second ad repeatedly saying, “Mary Cheney is a Lesbian. I’m John Kerry and I approve this message.”
Ohio lost more jobs than anywhere in the country and they voted to re-elect this yahoo. And what about Alaska? We couldn’t even beat Lisa Murkowski (i.e. Daddy Governor’s little girl). Our “Rock the Vote” campaign was an abysmal failure compared to the large number of Evangelicals that showed up at the polls, thanks to the regrettable end of the Left Behind series in March.
I’d move to Canada except for the fact that’s what the opposition wants. Some of you have told me how you told your Republican relatives of your plans to relocate and their response was, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” It’s a threat that does no good because the opposition mainly wants you to leave them alone.
Why did we lose this election? This calls for some moments of personal reflection as I hash this out in my mind.
Maybe, it was because we didn’t have a candidate who could make the people believe he cared about something other than getting elected. The Great ones do that. Clinton convinced people he cared about Health Care. Reagan ran talking about defeating the Soviet Union and cutting taxes FOR THE RICH!
It’s possible that we became too negative, too crazy. It was as if Oliver Stone were producing our Campaign, with Michael Moore as the director. Maybe, Bush built too strong of a bond with the American people after 9/11 and we underestimated it.
We made Americans feel like we were aliens with some weird values, we may have pushed too hard, too fast on gay marriage and not been strong enough on national security.
Oh, forget this introspection stuff. I’m going to start sounding like Zell Miller if I’m not careful. We may have been too negative, but there has to have been a right wing Conspiracy, televangelists getting out the Bubba vote, and religion as the opiate of the masses got them to vote against their economic best interests.
That feels better, much better than what I was saying before. That would indicate that in order to win, we’d have to change, and we’re not going to stop hating Bush, because he’s evil and within 4 years, they’ll change their minds.
The good news for 2008 is that Republicans have seen our campaign based on only hate and fear and are preparing their own. Senator Clinton is our most likely standard bearer and they’re desperate to beat her. So desperate that after winning all the right-wing religious votes, they’re talking about nominating a twice-divorced pro-choice, pro-civil union Republican. They do have a plan to keep conservatives on board, though.
They’ll write books about how bad Hillary Clinton is and what a danger Hillary Clinton is to America. Here’s a thought! Maybe they could do a documentary on her danger to our country that would be a box office smash. Surely, their efforts will be as successful as our efforts were against Bush. Those who don’t learn from history are thankfully, doomed to repeat it.
Of course, if they nominate Giuliani, and we for some reason nominated John Edwards, this would create an interesting situation, given that America is moving West and South, and away from New York. We could see a Red/Blue reversal. Regardless, the idiot Republicans still don’t know how to handle and maintain power. So we shall certainly meet under more favorable circumstances come 2008.
I will be signing off for several months. I plan to be as far away from Washington as possible when that man is sworn into office. I’ll rest on the beach for a few weeks on my consulting earnings, hold some conferences, write a book, and be back sometime later next year.
By Adam Graham
If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.