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Screwtape #22: Election Analysis

Posted by Adam Graham on November 7, 2004

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Democratic Senators, Congressmen, Governors, and Report Subscribers

Subject: Election Analysis

Having recovered from three days of alcohol-induced incoherence, I can now analyze this election and our future prospects with a clear head.

First of all, on the bright side we…won the Governorship of Montana and what else? We got a lesbian elected in Idaho. So, those Red States will turn blue in about a generation.

Alright, I’m sorry. There is no bright side. Yes, Barack Obama and Ken Salazar are going to the US Senate, but while its great to have minorities in the Senate, it is awful to be the Senate minority.

How could the American people be so stupid? I mean sure they’ve made some questionable judgments that have caused us to doubt their intellect (or rather their capacity for following the commands of the intellectuals) such as making “Dumb and Dumber” a box office hit. However, this is far worse.

The people are not listening to us. We’ve spent three years tearing down George W. Bush. We’ve attacked his character in everything he does. We made an issue of the fact that he may not have shown up to work 30 years ago. We nitpicked every detail of his life and in the end, he wins? The only thing we could have done differently is ran a five second ad repeatedly saying, “Mary Cheney is a Lesbian. I’m John Kerry and I approve this message.”

Ohio lost more jobs than anywhere in the country and they voted to re-elect this yahoo. And what about Alaska? We couldn’t even beat Lisa Murkowski (i.e. Daddy Governor’s little girl). Our “Rock the Vote” campaign was an abysmal failure compared to the large number of Evangelicals that showed up at the polls, thanks to the regrettable end of the Left Behind series in March.

I’d move to Canada except for the fact that’s what the opposition wants. Some of you have told me how you told your Republican relatives of your plans to relocate and their response was, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” It’s a threat that does no good because the opposition mainly wants you to leave them alone.

Why did we lose this election? This calls for some moments of personal reflection as I hash this out in my mind.

Maybe, it was because we didn’t have a candidate who could make the people believe he cared about something other than getting elected. The Great ones do that. Clinton convinced people he cared about Health Care. Reagan ran talking about defeating the Soviet Union and cutting taxes FOR THE RICH!

It’s possible that we became too negative, too crazy. It was as if Oliver Stone were producing our Campaign, with Michael Moore as the director. Maybe, Bush built too strong of a bond with the American people after 9/11 and we underestimated it.

We made Americans feel like we were aliens with some weird values, we may have pushed too hard, too fast on gay marriage and not been strong enough on national security.

Oh, forget this introspection stuff. I’m going to start sounding like Zell Miller if I’m not careful. We may have been too negative, but there has to have been a right wing Conspiracy, televangelists getting out the Bubba vote, and religion as the opiate of the masses got them to vote against their economic best interests.

That feels better, much better than what I was saying before. That would indicate that in order to win, we’d have to change, and we’re not going to stop hating Bush, because he’s evil and within 4 years, they’ll change their minds.

The good news for 2008 is that Republicans have seen our campaign based on only hate and fear and are preparing their own. Senator Clinton is our most likely standard bearer and they’re desperate to beat her. So desperate that after winning all the right-wing religious votes, they’re talking about nominating a twice-divorced pro-choice, pro-civil union Republican. They do have a plan to keep conservatives on board, though.

They’ll write books about how bad Hillary Clinton is and what a danger Hillary Clinton is to America. Here’s a thought! Maybe they could do a documentary on her danger to our country that would be a box office smash. Surely, their efforts will be as successful as our efforts were against Bush. Those who don’t learn from history are thankfully, doomed to repeat it.

Of course, if they nominate Giuliani, and we for some reason nominated John Edwards, this would create an interesting situation, given that America is moving West and South, and away from New York. We could see a Red/Blue reversal. Regardless, the idiot Republicans still don’t know how to handle and maintain power. So we shall certainly meet under more favorable circumstances come 2008.

I will be signing off for several months. I plan to be as far away from Washington as possible when that man is sworn into office. I’ll rest on the beach for a few weeks on my consulting earnings, hold some conferences, write a book, and be back sometime later next year.

Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Reports

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.


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Screwtape #21: Your Fraud Matters

Posted by Adam Graham on October 24, 2004

Note: The following is satire.

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Democratic leaders in Metropolitan areas in California, Illinois, Massachusetts, and New York

Subject: Your Fraud Matters

With a little more than a week until election day, you may think that your fraudulent activities will make no difference in this election. After all Massachusetts has no Senate Race and those in California, Illinois, and New York are well in hand. Why bother risking criminal prosecution in order to cast fraudulent votes that will not matter towards the final outcome.

This is a good question. While for our immediate goals, I’ll concede that fraudulent activity in places such as Florida and Ohio will have a greater impact. I’ve been amazed by the courageous brazenness of the fraud in Ohio. Having counties in which more people are registered to vote than are believed to be eligible, and filing a lawsuit to force the state to open the door to fraud by allowing a person to vote at the wrong precinct (I knew one gentleman who would have voted 19 different times at different precincts if not for the activist judge that overturned the lower court’s ruling) shows a fearless audacity I respect.

I’ve been disturbed by the attempt of some to use Marijuana to procure fraudulent voter registrations. Even if you’re not caught registering phony voters, the Marijuana possession could have dire consequences. I recommend beer and cigarettes as payment in these cases. Also, to minimize costs, don’t be picky about the brands. Watered-down beer and cheap cigarettes work as well as a fine imports and expensive cigars.

But, I digress. Even though fraud in your states is unlikely to sway the vote, it could have a great consequence if Bush were to somehow win this election and Kerry won the popular vote. In 1888, Benjamin Harrison won the Presidency while losing the popular vote. It took 112 years for Bush to do it again. Americans are conservative as they are loathe to change institutions that are working just fine. If the popular and electoral votes disagreed for 2 straight elections, there would then be a more serious move to get rid of the electoral college.

The abolition of the electoral college would be a boon for those of you in urban areas. In many areas of our cities, 10-30% of the people even bother to vote. However, with some additional enticements and fraud on your part, you could move that number up to greatly affect how much influence you have. If, once we have rid America of the electoral college, we set up a National Primary system, can you imagine the influence you’d wield?

No presidential candidate would be seen in rural hick towns in places like Iowa and Missouri. The campaign would be conducted in sky-rises of the largest cities. You, the local Democratic officials would be the kingmakers, able to build up or destroy a presidency with a single word. Imagine what this would mean for the cause of the environment or gun control. New York and California have more potential votes than the entire Rocky Mountain West. We could do what we like with these backward states and they would have no recourse against us.

If you’re tired of Presidents groveling before farmers, and televangelists, now is your chance to rise up to become the most powerful people in our nation by committing voter fraud on such a scale as it has never been before seen in American history.

What about the risk of prosecution? What about the threat of exposure and scandal? Fear not. The Republicans have no spine on this issue.

In 1996, a large tide of non-voters helped Loretta Sanchez defeat right wing Congressman Bob Dornan and in that same year, Mary Landrieu defeated Woody Jenkins by 5,000 votes. In both cases, each man came forward with credible evidence of fraud. The Senate dismissed Jenkins case in short order. The Dornan matter remained pending before Congress for some time, but in the end the Republicans decided to certify that Sanchez won the race, albeit by a smaller number. Like Solomon, the Republicans decided to cut the baby in half, but Dornan was just as much out of Congress as if they had done nothing. They didn’t want to appear ungracious, divisive, or racist, so in both cases, they preferred to be good losers rather than looking into the issues fully.

In 2000, there were allegations of irregularities in the defeat of Senator John Ashcroft (R-Mo.) and the Republicans decided not to pursue them because they didn’t want to be poor sports. In the State of Wisconsin, there were allegations of voter fraud and vote buying (with cigarettes and beer NOT marijuana) and the Republicans chose not to contest the election because the votes didn’t matter for the final outcome.

Finally, in 2002, Rep. John Thune (R-SD) lost his Senate race because of voting irregularities on the Indian reservations. Thune decided to accept defeat so he could enter his current race against Senator Tom Daschle (D-SD) rather than challenge the fraud and hurt his political chances in the current race.

The point of all this is that Republicans will allow us to get away with voter fraud because they don’t want to be seen as sore losers. This is why Republicans in the long run are not suited to be a Majority party. I remember in 1984 when Indiana certified a Republican had won a Congressional seat and we held hearings, the end result of which was that we declared Rep. Frank X. McCloskey (D) re-elected by 4 votes. We didn’t care what Republicans or the media thought of us, we got our guy seated.

The Republican leadership has sent a very clear message to its grassroots over the years: We’d rather be seen as nice than win. As a consultant, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I let one of my candidates allow Republican voter fraud deny us an election victory. First of all, voter fraud is our job. Secondly, if I were to do that, what message would I be sending to all the campaign volunteers who worked so hard? “Sorry, we’ll let the Republicans rob you of well-earned victories.” I’d be telling voters for my candidate that they might as well not have bothered showing up because their candidate and their party doesn’t have the will to fight to guarantee their right to vote. Republicans may call us sore losers, but don’t they can’t call us fools and cowards when it comes to fighting elections. We’d rather be poor winners than good losers and that’s why we will be the majority party again.

For the most effective voter fraud, cast fraudulent votes in minority precincts. Republicans are more afraid of being called racist than anything else. We’ve sent a clear message to the Republicans in years past: we have the race card and we’re not afraid to use it.

As always, the watchword is “don’t get caught”. Hopefully, we can all have a celebration at my place with some good beer sometime after the election.

Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The Screwtape Reports

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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Screwtape #20: Understanding the American Voter

Posted by Adam Graham on October 19, 2004

From: Dave Screwtape

To: The Kerry Campaign, National Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, National Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee

Subject: Understanding the American Voter

As our candidates prepare for the last two weeks of the campaign, it must be asked, “What is the most important thing to remember in framing our campaign?”

I believe it is simple enough, the average American voter is an idiot. I’m not exaggerating. Take the recent Presidential debates, particularly the foreign policy debate. Even with the level of explanation provided by Jim Lehrer, did most voters know what either candidate was talking about when they debated the Sudan or North Korea?

The answer’s no. Then how did people make their decision? People came into the debate trying to figure out either which candidate sounded smarter or which candidate sounded tough, or who had good body language. Thus, while those of us who know what’s going on in politics know a candidate’s totally lying, your average voter is sitting there going, “Wow, look at that body language!” , “He really sounds like he knows what he’s talking about.”, or “Boy, he sounds real tough!”.

The American people make the judgment over whether someone should be entrusted with the fate of the world, based on body language. I can imagine some hick in Florida commenting as a Republican launches a nuclear first strike, “Well, he sure SOUNDED smart during the debates…”

Second, some people actually make their decisions based on what the newspaper tells them. This works to our advantage in most cases. The newspapers merely state their endorsements in a way that indicates that they’re making an objective judgment such as “Barack Obama is the best candidate for the US Senate.” The unreasoning votes accordingly, never asking themselves, “By what standards is he the best candidate? What issues does this paper use to make their endorsements?” Unfortunately, thanks to the Internet, these saps are an endangered species.

If asked to identify themselves as “pro-life” or “Pro-Choice” many Americans seem to be making random declarations. Polls show that anywhere from 40 to 60% of Americans identify themselves as pro-choice which means at least 20% of Americans are actually “multiple-choice”.

People have no clue what’s going on. They don’t know what the major parties stand for and they don’t know what the candidates stand for. Instead of learning party platforms, they learn slogans such as “The Republicans are racists,” “The Democrats are the party of the working man”, and “The Republicans are the party of the rich.” Republicans go on TV to try and refute these points, but luckily for us, most Americans are watching Baywatch reruns instead.

Also, consider the sorry state of affairs given the fact that yard signs and billboards work. We Consultants are very picky about the way our signs look because successful campaigns have great yard signs. People go into the voting booth and vote based on the color scheme of yard signs as well as the number of yard signs in their area.
We, as Democrats have played well to the stupidity of the American people. That’s why celebrities play such a prominent role in our campaigns, because we enjoy a huge advantage over the Republicans in terms of the star power of our celebrities. Throw partisanship aside, who’d you rather see Robin Williams and Bruce Springteen or Ben Stein and Charlie Daniels? When they see a big actor make an endorsement, they’re moved beyond logic or their own beliefs to back that candidate. They never think once, “This guy just says lines that other people wrote and has no training to talk about matters of war and peace.” They think, “Wow, wasn’t he in a war movie once?” or “He played a doctor on ER, he knows about health care..”

We also have Rock the Vote, which tells kids it’s cool to vote, doesn’t really give them objective information, but does get them to register to vote and cast a completely uninformed ballot based on the bias of MTV’s producers which obviously suits our needs.

Republicans have joined in insulting voters’ intelligence recently. Arnold Schwarzenegger addressing the convention showed that. The GOP tries to get the people to love their celebrities, but with much less effect. Who cares if Stephen Baldwin’s for Bush? Same thing, for Ron Silver. I liked him on the West Wing, but he amounts to little more than a character actor.

The GOP still has made some strides this election. The latest example being their assault on John Kerry as “not a good man” for mentioning the well-known fact that Mary Cheney is a lesbian. The Bush camp is playing on the American people’s feeling that it’s wrong to mention family, even if the life of your family shows you to be hypocrite. Thus, George W. Bush is a hypocrite for opposing gay marriage because his Vice-President’s daughter is gay and you must hate gays in order to oppose gay marriage (unless you oppose gay marriage only in the abstract but will do nothing to stop it in actuality in which case you can be both a supporter of gay rights and an opponent of same sex marriage).

There are several key ways to exploit stupidity:

1) If you have any famous endorsers, showcase them. Have them give a speech and do not stop them no matter how much they ramble because the people will eat it up.

2) Get outraged about something your opponent said. Rarely do people stop and say, “It’s no big deal.” If you’re outraged, the whole world is outraged with you.

3) If your opponent supported the Iraq war, ask him to personally take responsibility for every casualty in Iraq. If he replies that the deaths are the responsibility of the terrorists, declare what a bad person he is for refusing to take responsibility. If he does take responsibility, congratulate him and then attack him for causing the deaths of 1,000 US soldiers in your next TV ad.

4) Send out anonymous phone messages telling people your opponent is awful. Stop short only of slander in using a phone tree machine. You will not believe how many people have unquestioned belief in those who call them on the phone. Telemarketing scams are very prevalent as many people will give out their Social Security number, credit card, and bank account because someone called them on the phone and asked.

5) Find people who claim to be Republicans to endorse you. They can be obscure people. They can be relatives, but one of the most best ads you can run is an ad where people declare they are Republicans but are voting for you because you’re pro-choice. What’s great about this is that many states have no party registration, so anyone can claim to be a Republican.

6) If you’re running in an area where Bush is popular, don’t put a donkey on your signs or literature. In addition, embrace some of the President’s ideas (if you weren’t able to embrace the President himself as Tom Daschle did) in your literature. Your job is to make people look past the fact that you’re not a Conservative. Agree with Bush on 1 or 2 issues in your literature and the media will at the least be able to identify you as a moderate.

Follow these easy steps and you’ll fool the American people. Not that that’s particularly hard, but it must be done if you want to get elected.


Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

The Screwtape Reports

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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Screwtape #19: The Republican Identity Crisis

Posted by Adam Graham on October 10, 2004

Screwtape #19: The Republican Identity Crisis

From: Dave Screwtape
To: DNC, Democratic Senators and Congressmen, Our Media Allies

Subject: The Republican Identity Crisis

Since Friday’s debate, I’ve received several e-mails asking the question, “What if Kerry loses?”

First of all, we still have one more debate to go, so don’t panic. Second, if Bush did win the debate (which is debatable), he won it narrowly.

When Bush got into domestic issues, he got into trouble because of his own inconsistency on the core values of his party. First of all, one astute audience member asked Bush why he didn’t veto a single spending bill. Bush replied, “You’re right, I haven’t vetoed any spending bills, because we work together.”

Now, first of all, this shows forth the incredible hypocrisy of Bush and the Republicans. They lectured us about our 40 years of congressional control and all the deficits we ran up. According to the Bush, the reason he hasn’t stopped the deficit from going up is because he and the Republicans in Congress are working as a team to increase the deficit.

How does that make the truly fiscally conservative feel? On that question, we picked up a lot of naïve fiscal conservatives who actually believe John Kerry will balance the budget by raising taxes. Bush also scared some others away from voting entirely because they’re smart enough to know that neither candidate will actually balance the budget.

On Stem Cell research, Bush made a political decision to allow federal funds to be used on existing lines which were created by destroying so-called “human life” but as for the rest, he said no, because it was unethical to destroy so-called “human life” in the name of scientific research. It doesn’t make any sense from the standpoint of principle.

Senator Kerry pounced on this: “Well, you talk about walking a waffle line — he says he’s allowed it, which means he’s going to allow the destruction of life up to a certain amount and then he isn’t going to allow it. I don’t know how you draw that line.”

This muddled thinking will doubtlessly discourage some anti-abortionists from voting. Many are of the opinion that if you’re going to destroy innocent life, at least be consistent about it. I can’t say that they’re among the brightest stars in the political sky, because what they’ll get under a Kerry presidency is full-fledged unrestricted stem cell research, but if that’s what gets them angry enough to punish President Bush then good for them.

However, both these cases reveal the problem with the Bush leadership and the inconsistency of the Republican Party. The party is reverting to its 1960s and ‘70s model. Those of you too young to remember may not know this, but the GOP has not always been full of people like Tom Delay.

The tradition of GOP thought on domestic issues is dead in its current governance. The deficit is not the result of September 11th. A bunch of Republican neophytes came to Washington in 1994 pledging to abolish all these cabinet departments and balance the budget. They got the budget balanced and found a huge surplus and a Democratic White House unwilling to use it for a huge tax cut, so the hypocrites spent like drunken sailors and lived like there was no tomorrow. They forgot that the law of gravity is applicable to economics and stood in shock when with a small downturn in the economy they didn’t have the money for all the projects they funded in the good times, so they just ran up the deficit. They’ve learned how powerful and addictive federal funding is and they can’t help themselves.

What about social issues? Well, other than the stem cell research issue, Bush has held to the conservative line on many issues. However, 2008 is coming and things will change as well. The frontrunner for the Republicans is Rudy Giuliani who is so pro-choice he opposed banning “partial birth abortion” and is also pro-gay rights. Oh I’m longing for 2008 because it will mark the disintegration of the Republican Party regardless of who wins this election. I’ll be in Iowa and New Hampshire watching it with glee and satisfaction as the Republicans split themselves in two over social issues.

The most ironic thing is that most of those backing Giuliani will be anti-abortion. They believe that nominating him will help them win and defeat their all-powerful bogeywoman Hillary Clinton, but they’ll fail to realize that they’re destroying their party.

In the 1980s, the GOP got the evangelicals and the Archie Bunker crowd off their rear ends and to the polls because they talked about things like ending abortion and balancing the budget.

The GOP does have a plan to keep Conservatives no matter what. President Bush declared a war on terror, which is more interminable than the Cold War and Republican pundits act like they’ve been in foreign service all their life and warn that things are too dangerous to allow a Democrat in office.

Of course, if the GOP thinks this will work, they’re sadly mistaken. Remember, the Republicans were tougher than the Democrats throughout the cold war and that still didn’t get the vote of the Evangelicals and the Conservatives who became active under Reagan.

Recently, I wrote about hate and fear being the greatest motivators of political life. This is true for us and most people, but many Conservatives are odd. They want to be inspired. When that old fool Reagan talked about a shining city on the hill they not only believed him, they wanted to build it.

The Post-Bush plans for this party is to get Conservatives to back whatever person they nominate no matter how abhorrent they are to the conscience of their members. It won’t work. The GOP establishment is preparing to cross the Rubicon and will lose it all. On election night, 2008, regardless of anything else we’ll be the ones having a grand party.

We’re still winning in the long-term because the GOP is disintegrating as we speak. We’re still defining the issues, while they concede more ground to us. Today they stand with President Bush, but the day of separation is upon them.

Best Personal Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.

The Screwtape Reports

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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Screwtape #18: The Fear of Bush

Posted by Adam Graham on September 26, 2004

From: Dave Screwtape
To: DNC, Democratic Senators and Congressmen, Our Media Allies

Subject: The Fear of Bush

The coming weeks will decide who will be the President. The race is currently a dead heat and many have asked me what will be the deciding factor and what we as Democrats can do to assure that George W. Bush is not re-elected.

The greatest thing we can do is harness the two most powerful forces in an election: hate and fear. If you look at the times incumbents have been defeated over the past several decades, you’ll see that they’re only defeated if there is sufficient hate and/or fear to defeat them.

The hatred is one area I think we’re doing quite well on. It’s taken a lot of hard work to come to achieve what we have. We’ve gone far beyond the level of hatred achieved by Clinton-haters. We’ve made it an international past-time. When I go to France or Germany, or other countries across the world, it’s a conversation starter. You can recognize a Bush-hater by the look of contempt on their face when (so-called) President Bush appears on the TV screen.

Indeed, those of us who hate Bush are the majority of the world. Think about this, more people get up each day thinking, “I hope Bush loses” then pray for peace in the world. I will say that Bush-hating has made me a praying man. Every day, I pray to Christ, Allah, and five Hindu gods for the defeat of George W. Bush.

However popular this attitude is worldwide, unfortunately current law disenfranchises citizens of other countries from voting in US elections. Until this corrected, we must accept that the level of hatred is at an extremely high level and we’ll have to focus on getting people to fear the re-election of President Bush.

Of course, the enemy has been using fear. It’s outrageous for Dick Cheney to suggest that John Kerry’s re-election would lead to another terrorist attack on America. We have to overcome this by spreading our message that thousands more American soldiers will die if Bush stays President.

This is a key fear to try and plant in the hearts of all Americans. One must predict the deaths of several thousand to get people’s fear up. A thousand more will not weaken anyone’s resolve. We must argue that we’ll be in Iraq for years and see Vietnam-like death tolls in the tens of thousands.

Second, we must scare out the youth vote with the specter of a draft. If only Richard Nixon had kept the draft in place, Reagan would have never come to power because the youth would have stayed active on our behalf. Now, the youth votes in small numbers and is divided between the two parties. However, a little bit of fear and we can drive up our percentage of the youth vote as brave souls discover a new-found pacifism.

Next, it’s important to get everyone afraid of Bush’s plan for Social Security. Seniors must be afraid that it will lead to cuts in their benefits. Everyone else must be told that Bush’s scheme is risky and will endanger the solvency of Social Security by gambling with the money in the stock market.

We need to make Americans afraid that Bush will destroy the environment. He will totally ravage the Earth, clear cut all of our forests, and eliminate life on Earth as we know it.

Bush’s deficits will burden generations of future Americans with unbearable debt, while rich corporations profit.

Finally, get anyone who favors abortion (even if it’s just in the cases of Rape and incest) scared to death that if Bush is re-elected and gets his way on the Court, he’ll appoint Justices of the Supreme Court who’ll overturn Roe v. Wade which will leave thousands of women bleeding to death from back-alley abortions.

Now, the key to generating fear is to manipulate people’s emotions enough so they don’t investigate your claims too carefully. Firstly, never directly answer the question, “What would Senator Kerry do differently?” particularly in regards to Iraq. The truth is we don’t know. Our only answer is “better than Bush”. Some key phrases you can used when asked this question:

“George Bush lied to get us into this war..”

“Bush knew Saddam didn’t have weapons of Mass Destruction. We went there for oil.” (Note if someone asks why gas prices are so high, tell them that Bush’s oil buddies are getting a break but not passing it on to the American consumer.)

“The world hates us because of this president. We need allies to beat terror and Bush has made enemies out of our friends.” (Move on quickly to another topic if there’s a conservative around who might argue “with friends like them who needs enemies.”)

As to Social Security, immediately change the subject if anyone mentions that Social Security is going bankrupt in 30 years if we don’t do anything. Remember, the main people we’re targeting are senior citizens and most of these geezers don’t care what will happen 30 years down the road.

We have to understand the importance of preserving Social Security as is. There are two groups of people who invest their money, those who lose it all and those who retire with such good insurance and financial means that they don’t need our help. The first result is desirable, while the second is clearly a problem.

The less people invest, the more people are dependent on us and our programs. We must through all our media channels encourage people to take as safe a route as possible with their money. I’d like to see every working person who had extra money shove it in a safety deposit box so that it would be safe for when they need it, without having to deal with pesky things like interest or high taxes on withdraws.

As to the environment, never let anyone think for one moment, “Wait, Bush is just one president. He’s got four more years in office max. The Earth has been around for billions of years. How could he possibly destroy in this time frame?” At that point, you’ll have lost them. Focus their mind on emotional memories of the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, not on logical views of the impact of one presidential term on the environment. Especially avoid discussion of the science of this, because Conservatives have so-called “scientists” on their side who while total charlatans will confuse the average voter.

On the deficit, offer no plan to reduce it as we have no plan other than to roll back the Bush tax cuts. If you can, try and get people to avoid doing math lest they figure out that even if all the tax cuts were repealed, the country would still be more than $300 billion in the red.

On abortion, you want people to not understand what repealing Roe v. Wade would do. Our friends in the media have been successful at equating the repeal of Roe v. Wade with a nationwide ban on all abortions. Of course, we know that a repeal of Roe v. Wade would only return the abortion issue to the states where we’ve already packed most of the state courts with judges who would never allow abortion to be illegalized. While most Americans don’t want to ban all abortions, the idea of letting states decides can be made to sound very moderate and fair, something that we want to avoid.

People say they don’t know what John Kerry’s plan for America is. They don’t understand what he’ll actually do, but this isn’t important. When one has hate and fear on your side, you don’t need much else.

Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.

The Screwtape Reports

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.

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Screwtape #17: Handling the Swifties

Posted by Adam Graham on August 24, 2004

I’ve obtained the latest transcript from Dave Screwtape:

Screwtape #17

From: Dave Screwtape

To: DNC, Democratic Senators and Congressmen, Our Media Allies

Subject: Handling the Swifties

While I’ve been busy helping organize activists in the various states and pre-ordering necessary materials (such as alcohol and cigarettes) for our “Get out the vote” drive in the housing impaired community, I’ve received panicked letters regarding the Swift Vets for Truth.

I do want to assure you that for the most part you’ve taken a good tact. The Conservative media is launching at this like dogs at red meat and you must combat this. There are some major pitfalls you must avoid, however.

Some erstwhile analysts have e-mailed me asking what the strongest argument is to show that John Kerry really played a heroic role in Vietnam. If you’re one of the those, you have missed the swift boat, so to speak.

The last thing we want to do is get into argument with old military men about what happened 36 years ago. You can only lose credibility debating this. For example, Senator Kerry’s claim to be in Cambodia on Christmas Eve, 1968 is a land mine you’d best avoid. He blamed President Richard Nixon for sending him there while denying his presence in the country. While I’m sure, Nixon did send him to Cambodia, Nixon had to have made the request in an unofficial capacity as he didn’t take office for another month. Most people don’t believe that Navy lieutenants have to obey orders from Republican President-elects. Try and explain that simple fact and you’ll come off as foolish.

In a greater sense, truth doesn’t matter. While the name of the group is “Swift Vets for Truth”. Truth has nothing to do with their mission. They should be, “Swift Vets Against Kerry”. No one really knows what happened 36 years ago except for John Kerry—and Richard Nixon.

The Republican talk show hosts are inviting these swift vets on because their trying to damage John Kerry. These people are relatively credible as they served in Vietnam, many in the same region as Kerry. We emphasized Vietnam at the Convention and the Republicans are trying to shove it down our throats.

As for us, for all we know, the Swift Vets are telling the truth and Kerry’s first Purple Heart was self-inflicted and none of them were that serious. I honestly don’t care. All I know is that these accusations are dangerous to our national ambitions. While outside, we must be pretentious about the importance of truth, lets not let it color our deliberations.

Also lets change the subject whenever they mention atrocities in Vietnam. Senator Kerry’s 1971 statements have left us in an interesting position. We must defend his service in Vietnam while also defending his statements accusing himself and others who served in Vietnam of being war criminals.

Here’s how you handle one of these questions about the Swift Vets. “This is gutter politics at its worst. How dare these people attack John Kerry. He went and served his country while George W. Bush was AWOL from the Alabama National Guard.” Yes, it’s an argument from outrage, but when we get into facts, that gets risky because facts you can debate and bring forth evidence. There’s no answer to outrage and if you try and argue against it, you get shot down appropriately, “How dare you question the patriotism of John Kerry while Dick Cheney took student deferments to get out of serving his country.” Get a few talking points and whenever asked, argue from outrage. Argue that George W. Bush is behind this plot to destroy a good man and that this is a despicable campaign of character assassination. If they ask you about the allegations, respond with outrage that they’re even asking questions about a great American like Senator Kerry.

The argument from outrage will serve you well and we’ll defeat the Swift Vets and the Bush goons.

Best Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. You can subscribe to the reports by clicking here.

The Screwtape Reports

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

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