The Irrelevance of Fathers

The Irrelevance of Fathers
By Adam Graham

The following is a commentary from the Truth and Hope Report (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Weekend update by Democratic Political Analyst Dave Screwtape

Father’s Day is a happy day of celebration for some people. For others, it’s a day when their guilt gets the better of them and they buy the man a tie and place a phone call in order to feel less guilty about a year of neglect.

For some, Father’s Day is a source of pain because of abusive or absent fathers.

My general opinion is that Father’s Day is hooey. I didn’t have a father around growing up, and neither did any of my illegitimate children in various remote vacation spots around the world. I turned out fine, and so did they (as far as I know.)

But, this raises a key point as to how Democrats can secure the votes of values voters and those concerned with such emotional concepts as “family.” We have taken a few key steps. The first and most important step is the redefinition of family.

For years, if one were to picture a family, you would picture the patriarchal vision of mother, father, and children, with grandfathers and grandmothers, aunts and uncles around. Now we recognize family can be anything. Family can be two gay men, two lesbian women, or a single woman adopting. Family can be non-related people brought together for non-sexual purposes. The phrase, “They’re my family” is used at thousands bars across America. The word “family” means anything and to value family one can value anything from a traditional model to a nice dinner at the Olive Garden.

The second key is to establish all family models as equal. This has been a bit of a challenge. While the right tries to establish an environment for ideal families to flourish, we refuse to acknowledge any intrinsic difference in outcome in child-rearing results with a single parent, two lesbians, two cohabitating heterosexuals, two male homosexuals, an intact heterosexual marriage, or divorced parents sharing custody. The fact is that we can find many stories of children who turned out fine raised in each of these circumstances, therefore they’re all equally okay.

What social conservatives harp on is which arrangement produces the best results for children overall. The issue is irrelevant. Children are not here for their own benefit, but for that of their parents. They are a commodity to which all people should have equal access without regard to race, marital status, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Now, this is not to say abuse can be tolerated. Should there be abuse (which naturally includes any kind of corporal punishment) a child can be removed just like you’d remove cable television from a home where you found someone wasn’t paying their bill.

Remember, we as Democrats can proudly stand for great principles, including not only family, but also faith, patriotism, and freedom—provided that we define those terms in an advantageous way and declare our definition equal, if not superior, to all others. This is Dave Screwtape.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Take Their Money: Enjoy the Spoils of War

Take Their Money: Enjoy the Spoils of Victory

The following is a commentary from the Truth and Hope Report (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Weekend update by Democratic Political Dave Screwtape

There has been some controversy over Democrats receiving large contributions from lobbyists and PACs for such industries as banking and big oil. Or I should say, there would have been had our allies in the press not ignored it.

However, there is a question that has been asked by some that I’ll endeavor to answer. Should we, as Democrats follow the same corrupt path of Tom DeLay and the K Street project, that opened our government up to shame and scandal?

You bet your life! Big money contributions are what makes Washington work.

There are three things in Washington: the majority, the opposition, and money. Money is bi-partisan . There’s little to be had for being an ideologue (unless you back the agenda of the Club for Growth) but much to be had for being a friend of special interests.

Money goes with the majority and if you lose your majority, you lose many contributors as well. After all, how much influence does the 9th ranking minority member of the Small Business Committee have?

With our current campaign finance system, in order to maintain your seats, you must have the support of multiple interests. So, whether you like it or not, money is needed, and it is money by the hundreds of thousands. Corporate lawyers, lobbyists, and their friends will pour their money into the party in power. They run the halls of Congress. They paid to play and there’s little anyone can do about it.

The “solutions” offered are hard, if not completely unworkable. Public financing of elections is a pipe dream. It’d be incredibly hard to administer. Who’s a serious candidate? Who gets money? How much? How about third party candidates? How much do they get? If we could find a way to have all candidates funded at the same level, then incumbents would have an even larger advantage, but in open seats, Democrats would benefit from our friends in the mainstream press giving us an edge in their coverage.

The favorite Republican idea of eliminating all caps on individual contributions and requiring instant disclosure introduces a dangerous degree of unpredictability into our political process. If six or seven people can get together and provide $250,000 in seed money to a Congressional Campaign, this would do a horrendous amount of harm to those who make their living harnessing influence and raising obscene amounts of cash for members of Congress. In this economy should we really be putting people out of work?

In addition, for success, America requires a stable of government. We’ve worked hard to create a system where only those who are personally wealthy or well-connected to dozens of special interest power brokers can be elected to high office. Imagine what kind of harm would be done to the World’s greatest Democracy if just anybody could get elected to office?

If you’re in Congress, take my advice: take the money and use it. Buy yourself another term or so and feel good about it. You’ve shown those corporate scumbags a thing or two. You’re not selling out, they’re coming to you to pay protection money. Be sure to provide protection and you’ll continue to scare away anyone with serious thoughts of challenging you.

You should take great pains to show yourself that it’s all “worth it.” Be sure to fight for some cause of peripheral importance such as voting for non-binding resolutions affirming Roe v. Wade, and creating non-discrimination policies that don’t forbid gays from working in your office (whether you actually ever hire a gay person is entirely up to you.) Attack Bushco and know that as long as Democrats control Congress, America will be safe from the evils of corrupt Republican Congressmen.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Politicize Everything!

The following is a commentary from the Truth and Hope Report (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Weekend update by Democratic Political Dave Screwtape.

There’s been a great deal of controversy over John Edwards urging people to use Memorial Day commemorations to oppose the War in Iraq. The allegation is that he’s politicizing Memorial Day.

Well, I say good for him and yes, he may be politicizing Memorial Day, but so what? Republicans and Democrats across the land already hold picnics on Memorial Day. Doesn’t that mean the day is already politicized?

For those who complain about the politicization of things, I would like to welcome you to the 21st Century. Everything is political. Those who speak of the political season are reporters who have to regularly take Metamucil. The political season is a thing of the past. Politics never ends, it only takes an occasional day off. It used to be the whole Holiday Season marked a break from politics, but given the fact that this has become the season for lawsuits against small towns for either celebrating or not celebrating Christmas, you can forget a “season” of peace on Earth.

You have two days off, as I see it: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even those can become political as happened at my Aunt Bernice’s Thanksgiving a couple years ago when my Republican Cousin Drago decided to argue against my brilliant political points. My Aunt Bernice must have taken his side as I’ve spent the last two Holiday Seasons with fellow political consultants and we invariably spend a lot of time talking about politics. Thus, for some of us, there is no break.

Campaigns run 2-4 years, depending on the office. The Presidential election of 2008 really began sometime after Thanksgiving, 2004 with potential candidates scheduling visits to Iowa to address a little assembly here or there, to “test the waters.” Senate Candidates for 2008 are already out laying the groundwork of their campaigns. We have reached a point in our history where when one election ends, raising money and hiring consultants for the next campaign begins soon afterwards.

Service in the US House is little more than a constant two year campaign to raise more money for the next campaign. Even without campaigns, political debates, rallies, and issues are constantly in people’s faces. In addition, Congress, City Councils, and Legislatures are passing bills of great importance all year along, with elections occurring five to six times a year in some places.

The result is that there is no non-political season. There is only a demand to watch and follow along. There are those who hang on every word and become the prototypical political junkie. There are those who ignore everything and turn off politics, and never vote. Then there are the majority of Americans who are half paying attention for about two weeks before the general election.

These sort are great, because they can only stomach a vote every two to four years. These people leave the election of primary candidates, city councilman, and school boards to those who pay full attention. Because liberals generally care more about schools and insuring proper progressive community values, we elect the people who choose school curriculum, define the cultural values of cities, and raise taxes to pay for schools.

As for the rest of the ill-informed public, leave that to the political consultants. After having complicated politics to the greatest possible degree so that the average person cannot understand everything that’s going on, political consultants can then simplify complex races and issues down to bumper sticker slogans and eight-second sound bytes. Some will ask for the advice of an informed person before voting. Most are far too proud to admit that while they live in the greatest democracy on Earth, they really have no clue what their government is doing, only a sneaking suspicion that it’s not good,.

What we must be wary of this Memorial Day is not the attempts of John Edwards to gain political points, but rather those small government advocates. Those who urge making government smaller, understandable, and easily comprehensible are dangerous. If government becomes more understandable, more people will pay attention. If more people pay attention, who knows what will happen? It could mean less work for political consultants at the very least, and that’s a concept I must oppose.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Screwtape: Looking for Someone to Loathe

The following comes from the “Screwtape Reports” feature on “The Truth and Hope Report” Podcast (http://www.truthandhope.2truth.com) Democratic Strategist Dave Screwtape does his first podcast

Hello, this is Dave Screwtape welcoming you to the new Screwtape Reports podcast. I’ve gathered from several sources that this is a way to make large amounts of money, and having blown my earnings from the 2006 cycle on what a Christianists would call “riotous living,” I could use the extra cash.

As the end of the BushCo Administration draws near, we as Democrats face a difficult choice. I’m not referring to the choice for our party’s nomination, but rather for the position of Universal Loathed individual (ULI). Reading Congressman Blumenauer’s letter stating that he would not run for Senate due in part to the amount of campaigning that Karl Rove would require of him reminded me, that soon, to paraphrase Richard Nixon, we won’t have Karl Rove to kick around anymore.

Nor will we have Bush or Cheney after January, 2009. While we may loathe and despise them just as much, they’ll no longer be motivating factors, and that is when things get dangerous.

In the past we’ve been able to channel our hatred for ULIs into electoral success. If we hadn’t hated Richard Nixon so much, how would we have achieved such great victory in 1974? Let’s be clear that we can make mistakes with ULIs. Rush Limbaugh failed to do his duty in motivating Democrats during his tenure (1993-95) and we wisely replaced him with Newt Gingrich (1995-99). Our failure to fill this office from 1999-2000 led to our so-called “defeat”.

A good ULI will have several characteristics:

1) Political Power-This was our mistake with Limbaugh. He has a large listening audience, but unfortunately without political power, we are unable to make the American people afraid of him.

2) Human Flaws: This is helpful. We’ve for a long time worked to undermine Bush’s credibility by pointing out his penchant for making verbal gaffes. The American people bought into it and his credibility has declined on other issues as well. We should note this is not the same as making fun of someone because of a physical disability to be cruel. This making fun of someone’s disability in order to score political points, which is entirely different.
3) Courage: A good ULI will have some convictions they will fight for. When they fight you, you paint them as the bad guy in the media. Lacking this ability to fight creates huge problems. I was around during the first Bush Administration when we were trying to make George Bush I the ULI. A man who gives so easily under pressure does not need to be loathed by us, his own party will do it for us.

Now, if Republicans win (the higher power of your choice forbid), we should have easy work. We can attack Giuliani as an arrogant violator of Civil Liberties, McCain as a maniac, and Romney as taking orders from the head of the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City. Please note this is not like the fear of JFK taking orders from the Vatican.

Obviously should another candidate win, we’ll find another method of attack. However, as the media is the true god of the political process (just ask all the Christians who are looking to them to find out which candidates to vote for) I find that improbable.

If, on the other hand, we win the White House, we have a severe problem. There is simply a lack of loathworthy characters n the Republican leadership. John Boehner is the 21st Century’s Bob Michel, an amiable man who will set records for the number of years served as minority leader. In the Senate, there’s a little more hope. Mitch McConnell is someone I could come to loathe, but polls in Kentucky show his seat in jeopardy. Should he be defeated, we’ll likely see Trent Lott as Minority Leader. While Lott makes loathsome statements, his poor strategy makes him far more laughable than loathable.

Thus we could be in a difficult spot. When we have no one to loathe, we actually have to focus on governing. When that happens, often some little known figure we didn’t think to loathe can rise up and become our worst nightmare. Regardless of what happens in November, 2008, we must figure out who will be the next GOP leader and unite in our loathing of them before it’s too late.

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

It Stinks to be Right

Cross-posted from WhereIStand

While I did my best to help Republican Candidates in the last election, I knew we were in trouble. I never realized how right I’d been until I came across an old column I wrote in November, 2005.

I wrote it as an extra Screwtape Report. The Reports were based on the Style of C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. One piece I wrote in November, 2005 hit hard. Long before the term pre-mortem was termed, in a satirical piece, as my alter ego, Democratic Political Consultant Dave Screwtape, I laid down the Democrats return to power:

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Congressional Democrats, Friendly Media

Subject: Republican Defeat Checklist

To make sure we’re all on the same page about what we want to see Republicans doing in the next few months, I’ve created this handy guide to the components of the Republican defeats in 2006 and 2008.

1) Get leadership drunk on power.

Status: Done

This has been a classic case of absolute power corrupting absolutely. The Republican goal is merely getting re-elected so that they can go back to Washington in January and work to get re-elected. Look at the Republican leadership. We have Senator Frist who plays politics with people’s health and lives on Stem Cell research. We have the ever pompous Dennis Hastert who will go down in history as one of those anonymous Speakers of the House like Frederick Gillette or Joseph Varnum. Of course, adding to this impression is the indictment against former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay.

The current state of the Republican leadership leaves us several opportunities. First, it can help suppress the turnout of the Republican base and it can also make people look critically at their own member of Congress. A key talking point for Democratic challengers will be that their opponents are "out of touch." It is a charge that most voters will readily embrace.

2) Decrease Republican Self-Confidence

Status: Done

Since the 1995 government shutdown, Republicans have been consistent primarily in their refusal to stand up for the things they say believe. It is remarkable the amount of sophistry Republicans go through these days. They have to sell Samuel Alito to Conservatives as someone who will overturn Roe v. Wade while at the same time selling him to the Country as someone who will not.

Indeed, Conservatives are a minority in this country and a quite embarrassed one at that. Of course, their attempts to hide their Conservatism is in fact hurting their cause, because it shows them as weak and ineffectual.

Anyone who says something like, "I hope Alito overturns Roe. It violated the Constitution," will get a horrified look. Honesty is out of vogue. Voters, like dogs, can smell fear. They know Republicans are afraid to be up front about where they stand.

Such is the Republican lack of confidence that many are convinced the only way they can beat Hillary Clinton is to nominate Rudy Giuliani. To compare their level of desperation, it would be the same as if we concluded the only way we could beat Giuliani was to nominate Zell Miller.

There is an old saying, "What you fear shall come upon you." Such will be the case with our opponents in the upcoming elections.

3) Turn the Base Against the Leadership/Each Other

Status: In progress

This takes some work, but "President" Bush helped a little bit with the Miers nomination. Say the word Harriet Miers in a crowded room full of Conservatives and watch the fireworks go off. Those who supported the nominee will insist how wrong the others were and vice versa. Another key issue is congressional spending which angers some conservatives, and others get angry at those who are upset at the leadership.

You have to understand there’s a fundamental divide between Conservatives. There are ideologically driven Conservatives and then there’s another group I like to refer to as sycophants. Their argument is simple: "Bush said so," and to that there can no rebuttal in their minds. They’ve gotten drunk on the power held by a bunch of people who couldn’t care less about them.

Of course, the leadership is embarrassed by much of the Conservative base, particularly the religious conservatives, but also people who speak about the need for smaller government. I’ve quietly observed some of these congressmen at Washington parties and I’ve heard them talk about how intolerant and uncompassionate these people are. Yet, it was these people that brought them to power, a fact they wish to forget, and we should be more than happy to oblige them.

Those of you in the media should encourage them to throw away a bird in the hand for two in the bush. Praise them when they try to get the votes of pro-choicers and gays at the expense of the Christian Conservative, and the Immigration activists at the expense of the anti-immigration crowd. The best possible world is to have them try to win all constituencies at the same time. It will be greatly amusing to see that political gymnastics act in action. Most voters will recognize that they don’t really stand for anything.

4) Encourage the Voters to Blame Themselves for Nothing

Status: To Be Done

This will be easy enough. Voters will complain about a lot of things, but will generally not consider how they personally contribute to the national problems. Election day is the national day of self-righteousness as they stick their noses in the air at politicians. They’ll talk about the ridiculous size of the deficit, "the bridge to nowhere," and the War in Iraq. You must leave them complaining.

Never let them think about government and politics. The reason there’s pork in the budget is because it re-elects politicians. People like the pork in their district and they think its all those other districts that have too much spending. When voters begin to think, start to actually inform themselves of the issues, and understand what’s going on in the country, the results can be unpredictable. We must plant firmly in the heads of voters that they should go out and vote, no matter how uninformed they are about what’s going on in their country.

With that and all the help the Republicans are giving us, I’ll look forward to seeing Nancy Pelosi sworn in as House Speaker in 2007.

Regards,

Dave Screwtape

And so it happened and I saw it on November 20, 2005.  At the time, the reaction from Conservative Internet boards was mixed. Freeper Sofa King wrote:

If he was really trying to show Democratic strategy and thinking he’d stand outside his office throwing feces as passers by.

The Democrats could never manage something as clearly thought out as what he wrote.

Another wrote:

 "Thanks screwup, but I don’t see things your way:
Here’s a few of the insurmountable problems the rats (aka Whigs) face, as they "retake power".

The people of this country recognize that the Whigs are a socialist party. This will not get them election victories in a nation that self ids as conservative by 35% to 18% conservative to liberal.

Sadly, I was right about the grave risks the Republican Party faced and we fell. The only question is whether they’ll wake up before the next election.

Screwtape 2006 #3: Getting Ready to Take Control

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Democratic Members of Congress, Our Media Allies

Re: Screwtape 2006 #3: Getting Ready to Take Control

It has been a long time since I’ve been this giddy before an election. At last, we shall drive the Republicans from control of both Houses of Congress!

After twelve long years, senior Democrats will enjoy those most melodious words, “Mr. Chairman” or “Madam Chairwoman,” and especially “Madam Speaker.”

We would not have gotten to this point, if it were not for the Republican leadership. Their arrogance and utter inability to effectively address issues such as Social Security Reform, Immigration, and budgeting have created our grand opportunity, combined with recent concerns over the ethics of gay Republican members of Congress.

However, something has to be said for those maniacs who make up the Republican base. In a maneuver tried by third graders across the country, many conservatives are set to punish Republicans by staying home, and thereby return to Democrats control of Congress. The tactic staggers the mind for it’s level of stupidity.

Give credit to those delusional souls who support the Constitution and Libertarian Parties. They have some theoretical shot at winning an election. But those who stay home? They have entered the magical place called the self-destruct zone.

The biggest loser in this zone: the anti-immigration crowd. Many of these daring men of political principle propose to stay home on election day to punish the failure of Republicans to stand tough enough on immigration. By staying home, they’ll help to contribute to the passage of amnesty by a Democratic Congress.

We’ll work together with Mr. Bush to pass amnesty for the simple reason that a path to citizenship will create a continual line of new Democratic voters that year by year will strengthen our party and make us a permanent majority. Our greatest enemy, Mr. Bush, will with a stroke of his pen provide our greatest victory. The fool believes illegal immigration will gain the GOP Hispanic votes. Of course, as most migrants tend to be poor and poor people tend to vote Democrat, this is counterintuitive. If Mr. Rove were worth his salt, he’d focus on increasing the GOP’s support among the Hispanic middle class, which truly cares little about this issue.

The religious right, by staying home, will ensure if there is a Supreme Court vacancy in the next 2-4 years, it will be nigh impossible to nominate another extremist like Roberts and Alito. Bush would have to go with a Souteresque nominee, or we’ll keep the seat vacant until a Democratic President is in office.

It is of course, theoretically possible for these elements in the Republican Party to address their concerns in a non-destructive way by strongly supporting primary challengers to offending members in the next election. However, we are incredibly fortunate that most of them are too dim-witted to realize this.

Still, we must remain focused until the last vote is cast. Our job is to depress turnout among the Conservative base. You in the media need to use special care to put disgruntled Republicans and Conservatives on television constantly. Please take no care for how genuine their credentials are. Create enough perception that Conservatives should stay home, and it will become reality.

With the help of our unwitting Conservative allies, we will be victorious this November.

Regards,

Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking.

Defenders of Progress

Friends, Dave Screwtape again. I know I’m read by some of the finest Democratic minds. I’m read by the blogging gods who descend with Olympian wisdom.

Unfortunately, the grand scale of their wisdom is misunderstood and attacked by the venomous right. Shall these gods descend to fight with the common peasant rabble of the right wing blogosphere? To have a battle of wits with some 200 hit a day amateur! It would be beneath them, the great lords of the Bloposphere, and give credibility to their opponents.

So, what is a god to do? Well, he can go under pseudonyms. Michael Hiltzik of the LA Times did this and lost his blog. Alas, the poor devil, expelled from the heights of Olympus. Now, Glen Greenwald has come under allegations of using pseudonyms due to the accursed IP address. However, I believe Mr. Greenwald when he says that three members of his household have defended them under their own names. Greenwald lives with five other men in Brazil with English names who are impressed with the fact that he’s had a book on the New York Times best-seller’s list.

Unfortunately, some right wingers won’t believe this. Some on the left will even doubt it. Family and friends are poor defenders, as they take things too personally. What you need is a professional.

That’s where Screwtape Consulting comes in to offer a fantastic new service to liberals everywhere. Columnist, Politicians, and Celebrities all will utilize this fantastic service. Its called “Defenders of Progress.”

For only $49.95 a month, you can have 24 hour a day monitoring of blog search services such as Technorati and Google Blog Search. We’ll let you know who’s been naughty or nice to you. Even the best liberal bloggers miss some of the adulation they receive from their adoring throngs. It will be delivered to you daily by our site representative, Louie.

Louie also will defend you for a small additional fee. Whenever there’s a negative post sent in, Louie will offer to defend you for a price of $10 per comment. Louie will memorize all of your great accomplishments. He respects all of our clients.

Here’s how he would begin a letter to Mr. Greenwald:

O great one who has authored a book that’s appeared on the New York Times best-seller’s list and whose blog receives more hits than Glenn Reynolds, who has risen from obscurity to the stars in a mere 9 months unto whom all mortal men look for wisdom and hope, I do deliver my report.

He’ll translate this onto the blog comments fairly easily with the sycophantic nature barely hidden, for it shows great respect. He’ll then challenge your opponents with such logical arguments as:

I don’t see your freakin’ New York Times best-seller!

Of course, Louie offers additional services for premiums of between $5 and $20. These are offered on every attack post. If a blog is getting 20 hits a day, it may not be worthwhile to spend $10 per comment for Louie to get into a protracted battle, but you may want to insert some more personal language, depending on the level that they’ve insulted you. Louie weighs the level at which you’ve been attacked in offering $5, $10, $20 insults and offers retaliatory options:

$5

“You want I should I threaten his dog?”

$10

“You want I should insult the virtue of his mother?”

$20

“You want I should threaten his two year-old?

Louie and his fellow workers will defend anyone, blogger or not. Consider, Louie’s valiant defense of Brittany Spears:

The American dream is about Brittany Spears. A woman born in Louisiana or Mississippi, or somewhere down south becomes an American Icon who is fabulously rich and well-known the whole world over. She’s gotten a Grammy nomination. You claim to be a responsible mother? Where’s your Grammy nomination?

Brittany has written four books and none of them is a lulu.com book on good parenting. Brittany’s a great mom. Do you think her kids are going to complain about a boring life? No way, she’s the coolest and don’t you dare attack her.

If you want this type of defense, call today. Operators are standing by. Limited openings are available. Get the defense you deserve!

Screwtape Report 2006 #2: My Advice to Senator John McCain

From: Dave Screwtape
To: Senator John McCain
Subject: Screwtape 2006 #2: My Advice to Senator John McCain

Senator, I was appreciative when your office contacted me with an offer to work for your campaign. It truly shows the Senator’s gracious wisdom in seeking advice from outside the GOP. Unfortunately, I am but a poor consultant, a mere servant of the Democratic Party and its causes, not a man of brave principle such as you.

Still, I’ll give you a brief assessment of how you’re doing and how you can do any better, if the Senator will graciously consider my advice to be as much importance as the advice of the media. So, listen from the advice of a heartfelt admirer.

First of all, I think you do an amazing job by elevating every proposal to reform. On immigration, you never attack someone for opposing a guest worker program or one that would create difficult enforcement provisions, but rather they’re enemies of reform. This does well, as you can avoid the specifics of the bill and talk about it being positive because its “reform.” For everyone knows that we need reform and it’s a good thing. Those who oppose reform are the enemies of our nation. It is splendid.

What you need to do is to just be yourself. Say whatever comes to your mind, for your wisdom is like an oracle, as if it were spoken by Solomon. Remember that to be stronger, sometimes you have to amputate unnecessary parts.

You are greater than the religious right and anti-immigration crowd. Republicans need you! You’re right and they’re wrong. They can either accept it or they can get out of the Republican Party. Its your party and you’ll open the borders if you want to!

You must surround yourself with people who speak to you in that respectful tone that I speak. You need people who will build you up, not challenge you. They need to be men and women of wild eyed passion, who know (just as surely as you know) that they stand in the presence of a legend.

Don’t take advice from those who believe your war service doesn’t merit special consideration on today’s politics. You know, Senator, that your war service has endowed you with insight that the draft dodging, National Guard-serving plebeians in your party can never understand and never let them forget it for one moment.

Just remember always that you are the paragon and epitome of moral virtue and all that is good in this country, and never let anyone else forget it either. As they say, if you have it flaunt it.

Do this and I give you my 100% guarantee as one honest man to the greatest living Senator of our age, that the election will come out in the best way possible.

Most Humble Regards
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. The first set of Screwtape Reports written from 2003-2004 are available in book form from Lulu Press.

Screwtape 2006: Democratic Outlook

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Congressional Democratic Candidates, Democratic Governors, DNC Volunteers

Subject: Screwtape 2006 #1: Democratic Outlook

The future is bright today as we prepare for the November election, which is now less than six months away. Republicans remain divided between those who stand for what they believe and those who stand for what the White House tells them to believe.

It is such a wonderful state of disarray, we’re primed to take over if we take the right approach. Now, there are two wrong approaches.

The first is to base our campaign on impeaching George Bush. As pleasing as that would be, one has to remember that impeachment is a hard process. There have been many unpopular Presidents, but only two have been impeached. In addition, the American people have good reason not to want this President out of office. You see, Oprah is very popular with a lot of Democrats and impeachment hearings could pre-empt Oprah in many markets for several days. This is something for which the American people cannot stand, and why there will never be another impeachment so long as Ms. Winfrey remains on the air.

The second idea is to come up with a comprehensive agenda for the American people. This idea fails muster because if you propose a plan with a lot of little details, it takes Republicans off the defensive and puts them on the offensive of attacking our plans, as happened in 1994. In addition, we are splintered on the specifics of what to actually do about these problems. For this cycle, our goal is to convince the American people that we are aware of what problems exist.

Chairman Dean has steered a middle course. He has come up with six simple items which sounds like an agenda without any real content. At the end of April, we distributed 750,000 of these in homes across the country. If no one was home, we left it on the door.

Now, doubtless, you volunteers may encounter a challenge in getting people to join up with a cause, where it’s unknown what exactly it is. Don’t despair, for each item I’ve prepared a simple answer that will earn you support:

Item: Honest Leadership & Open Government

Answer: We will achieve this goal because we are better than the Republicans. We are ethical, moral, and incorruptible. We are the servants of the people, not lobbyists. We’re also more humble, and not as sanctimonious and self-righteous as those hypocritical Republicans.

Item: Real Security

Answer: We will catch bin Laden by spending more money to catch bin Laden. We’ll also be more secure because in the world, Democrats are like Ray Romano, everyone loves us.

Item: Energy Independence

Answer: We’ll develop ethanol and other unnamed alternate energy sources.

Item: A Health Care system that works for all Americans.

Answer: We’ll present a plan for health care that will make sure all Americans have adequate coverage.

Item: Economic Prosperity and Educational Excellence

Answer: We’ll reduce the deficit, not by raising taxes, as Republicans allege, but by repealing tax cuts. We’ll guarantee strong educational results by paying teachers more and spending more on public education.

Item: Retirement Security

Answer: We’ll make sure that your children and grandchildren enjoy the same fine standard of living that current social security beneficiaries do.

The brilliance of Chairman Dean’s plan and my responses is that we’ve promised next to nothing specifically, while laying out an attractive agenda that most everyone will agree with. Our plan is to get elected and figure out how and if we can actually do what we’ve promised after we win. It worked very well for our former President (who we should remind voters was better than this President.) The job of those of you who are candidates is to be as vague as possible and let the Republicans implode.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. The first set of Screwtape Reports written from 2003-2004 are available in book form from Lulu Press

Linked to Conservative Cat, Mark My Words, Third World County, Jo’s Cafe, Basil’s Blog, Right Wing Nation, Committes of Correspondence, Blue Star Chronicles

Screwtape v. Colbert

My wife, after watching the latest edition of Michelle Malkin on Vent asked, “Is Dave Screwtape the Republican Steven Colbert” in reference to the comedian who spoke at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

At first I answered yes. On consideration, I’ve got to change my answer to no. Colbert v. Screwtape is that subtle line that falls between satire and parody.

Colbert is basically a long Saturday Night Live sketch. He’s parodying Republicans. He’s building up straw men and knocking them down for the entertainment of the liberal masses. Its his routine, his schtick if you will. No one believes Colbert’s a Republican. They know he’s merely mocking them. The Democratic reaction to Colbert has been one of enthusiasm. “Boy, he really spoke truth to power. Risking-um-um-something to do it.” When I write Screwtape, I’d often get some true anger from people who read it and thought it was true. When I wrote, “Taking Jesus Back from the Republicans” Freepers were furious, one writing:

The person who wrote that was a lying scum,,,,he will burn in hell.

If it were as shallow as Colbert’s parody, it would have just gotten a chuckle. Screwtape provides insight and depth, not just cheap laughs at Democrat’s expense. So, no Colbert is not the Democratic Dave Screwtape or Screwtape the Republican Colbert. They’re entirely different creatures.

Screwtape: The Liberal Authorized Version

From: Dave Screwtape
To: American Liberals

Friends,

You know me as a political consultant, writer and guru, but with the help of our beneficient friend, George Soros, I’ve produced my first ever theological work. Its a modest effort, but a good starting place in a new field: a brand new English version of the Bible.

Now, I know as much about translating Greek and Hebrew as Mike Brown does about running FEMA, so I’ve taken the text of the King James Version of the Bible to form my version because of the beauty and elegance of the language, and because it is the most easily accessible version for which I do not have to pay obscene royalties for.

What makes the Liberal Authorized Version different from any other version of the Bible out there? Most try a word for word or approximate translation of the whole Text. We take the philosophy that less is more.

Accordingly, all the geneologies are gone, along with the Pauline Epistles and the Epistles of James, John, and Jude. My reason for this is clear. None of these men obtained doctorates in their field or taught on the subject. Were he around today, Paul might be able to get into teaching one of those Mail Order Bible Colleges, but would Harvard accept him? No, and that’s certain now that Lawerence Summers is gone.

We also eliminated Hebrews (for fear of Zionist influences), and 1 and 2 Peter. I had great concern about these books. As Peter was listed as the 1st pope, I was afraid the Vatican had undo influence on their writing. I also got rid of the book of Revelations. There’s no need for apocalypse or the reign of God on Earth. The Democratic Party will fix things just fine.

I got rid of the book of Acts, because it reads like a Religious Right Wing Propoganda piece. I refuse to believe there were any stonings or arrests. We know that all that persecution stuff is just made up by intolerant bigots.

I also got rid of the Old Testament as it was far too bloody and also contains things like the creation story and the Ten Commandments.

While, the Jesus seminar got rid of 75% of the sayings of Christ and most of his miracles, I’ve gone further than that and eliminated all the miracles of Christ, and 98% of his sayings, leaving a selection of 4 verses that:

1) You can use against Conservatives.

2) You can easily memorize.

3) They’re already tailor made for the appropriate argument.

Most Bibles claim to make it easy to put their words into context, well I make no such claim. Every Liberal Authorized Version of the Bible is 100% context free guaranteed. Below are the scriptures in this beautiful 1,500 page leather bound volume:

Judge not, that ye be not judged. -Matt. 7:1

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.-John 8:7b

Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s;-Matthew 22:21b

Blessed are the peacemakers-Matthew 5:9a

Yes, in 3 cases, we used only half a verse, but half a verse is all you need to score against Conservatives. Never, will you read anywhere in the Liberal Version, any call to “Repent and Sin No More,” or about Government being a terror to evildoers, or judging righteous judgments. You have a 100% clear slam dunk Bible.

Now, at this point you may wonder why you should spend $15 on my Leather Bound Bible and what the other 1496 pages in the Bible are for.

Well, as any idiot could print up the Liberal Bible based on these scriptures, it becomes necessary to have something special. Now, many Bibles have study aids and maps, but mine has an even better feature. 1496 blank pages.

The idea of printing up a 1 page Bible or a 4 page Bible (with extremely large print) seemed silly, so we printed the full enchilada, leaving most of the pages completely blank.

You can do what you want in the blank pages. You can scrapbook, press flowers, or journal. You can add in things, you think God should have put in the Bible.

We also do have a customization feature, where we’ll print up your Bible to include important liberal documents, such as content from MoveOn.org. We also have a Chairman Dean Special, where we include the book of Job with other New Testament books.

For those of you out there, who truly have no desire to understand Christianity and no respect for it, but want to sound intelligent, this is the Bible for you. If you want to look like a good Christian when visiting churches, whether you are or not, this is the Bible for you. If you hate religion, but would like a Bible to be sworn in on, this is the Bible for you.

Its the Bible every liberal has always wanted. Place your order today.

Linked to Conservative Cat and Point Five

Bible, Satire, Liberals

Pumped About Screwtape

Well, I got my copy of the Screwtape Reports from lulu.com and I’ve got to say that I love it. It looks professional and I like the cover my brother did for it. Its going to be a great book and I’ll be posting it for sale within the next few days, so stay tuned.

Screwtape Done

I finished the Screwtape Reports and it should be ready to release soon. I’ve got everything uploaded, but I want to order a copy of the book and see if I like the look of it before I start selling it to you dear readers.

So, hopefully early next month, you’ll be able to buy a copy of “The Screwtape Reports”, so watch this space for more info.

Screwtape Returns: Taking Christ Back From the Republicans

Author’s Note: The following is a continuation of a series I wrote from May, 2003-November, 2004. More information is available at The Screwtape Reports. The first 22 Screwtape Reports, along with 10 never before published reports will be released in book form shortly.

From: Dave Screwtape

To: Democratic Members of Congress, Liberal Clergy, Opinion Leaders, and Activists

Subject; The Right Picture of Jesus

As I returned from an extended vacation, I was deluged with letters asking how we mitigate the Republican advantage with Christian voters. I think the solution is simple. As other Democrats have said, “We must take God back from the Republicans.” There is only one way to do that, and it is through Jesus Christ.

Christian Conservatives rarely talk about Christ in their public speeches, they talk about “God” or providence or “The Lord.” The reason for that they wish to be inclusive of all Americans who have any belief in God. That, and the fact that if they even end a prayer “in the name of Jesus” our allies in the press will go ballistic.

What we must do is borrow that phrase from the tacky bracelet, “What Would Jesus Do?” and use it to death. By saying, Jesus would do something often enough, you’ll convince enough Christians of the fact. Here are some examples.

“Jesus wouldn’t launch a war for oil against the Iraqi people. Jesus wouldn’t have appointed Alberto Gonzalez Attorney General. Jesus would spend more government money on the poor. Jesus would want everyone to have free health care. Jesus wouldn’t back a Constitutional Amendment banning Flag Burning.”

Now, we can do this with a variety of issues, but we all have to paint a good picture of Jesus. Jesus was a tolerant, loving, nice guy who cared about poor people. With that understanding, we can make any arguments we want that fits that picture and Christians will listen.

Thus, we can shift Christian concern away from issues like abortion and gay marriage to issues such as reducing poverty through government programs and more money for schools, because that is what Jesus would want.

There are several things must be avoided, particularly by the clergy. The most important thing is to not actually paint a full picture of the life of Jesus in your sermons and liturgies. Use scriptures that emphasize those statements most favorable to our vision of Christ or avoid using scripture altogether. Study books about the historical Jesus written by liberal scholars, not the Bible itself.

The Bible paints a very different picture of Jesus. The Jesus of the Bible is complex, unpredictable, and surprising. In dealing with the issues of his day, he was not a liberal or a conservative, nor did he just try and straddle the fence. He said what he believed and inflamed both the right wing Pharisees and the left wing Sadducees. He talked of forgiveness and mercy, but his first word as a preacher was “Repent.”

In a beautiful scene he saved the woman caught in the act of adultery and then made a very harsh intolerant demand on her by saying, “Go and sin no more.” The Bible also has Christ saying He is the only way to Heaven, which would put New Jerusalem in violation of Federal Civil Rights laws for religious discrimination in a public accommodation. For these reasons, keep as far from the Biblical account of Christ’s life as possible. Remember two quotes of Christ from scripture and that will suffice. “Judge Not” and “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Be certain not to quote these in context.

The other thing to be careful of is that you properly assign the commands of scripture. Moral commandments against no-fault divorce, or the ten commandments are strictly for Christian religious people who believe in them. Commands to take care of the poor are not for the church, but rather for Federal Welfare agencies and their bureaucrats. The original biblical context of the command doesn’t matter, whether it was spoke to Christians or to civil society, they must be assigned in such an order as to suit our agenda.

If we can convince the great mass of Christians to adopt our vision of Christ as a first century touchy feely hippy who came to be tolerant and create welfare programs than I think we’ll have this culture war won. The Evangelism and the teaching of the exclusivity of Christ will decline. In many mainline churches where this vision has been adopted, people have become increasingly tolerant of other views and lifestyles, and less attached to their own Christianity and even some of its major tenets like the resurrection.

Christ as a historical figure becomes less believable when stripped of all complexity and depth. The crucifixion becomes hard to swallow as we try and imagine a sugary nice guy being dragged to the cross. After that, Christ becomes just another moral philosopher along with Confucius, Buddha, and others. What Christians have traditionally considered “the Good News” becomes meaningless and empty.

The good news for such disoriented souls is that there is hope! There’s something that can bringing meaning to their lives and change to society. Chairman Dean and I would be more than happy to welcome you as committed volunteers for the Democratic Party.

Regards,
Dave Screwtape

The Screwtape Reports

By Adam Graham

If you liked what you read, there’s more in “The Screwtape Reports” now available from Lulu press.